the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
