things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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