so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
