You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
