Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I need to calm my uterus...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
