you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
