Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
