She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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