i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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