he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
