you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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