Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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