So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize