life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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