Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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