got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I can't turn off my feet"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
