I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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