Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
