My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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