I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
