you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
