I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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