That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I need a beard to bite.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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