never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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