he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
