Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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