i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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