I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
