Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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