i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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