She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
it wasn't lemon gatorade
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
