Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
