i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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