There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
