Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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