If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
