No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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