I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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