dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
