I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
