Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
