Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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