I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
