My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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