its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
