hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
