Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
