Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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