the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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