i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
