my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
