Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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