Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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