I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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