your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We were destined to go to rehab together
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize