Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
