I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
